Understanding Alexithymia: When Emotions Don't Have Words
Jaclyn Hunt, ACAS
Founder & Owner, ASD Life Coaches
Many autistic adults come to coaching believing they are "bad with emotions" or "too analytical," when in reality they may be experiencing something far more common and far less talked about called alexithymia. At ASD Life Coaches, we see alexithymia frequently in our coaching work, and understanding it can be the key to unlocking healthier communication, stronger relationships, and deeper self-awareness.
What Is Alexithymia?
Alexithymia refers to difficulty identifying, describing, or expressing emotions. It's not a disorder nor is it a personality flaw. Instead, it's a cognitive style that affects how someone processes emotional information.
Autistic adults are disproportionately likely to experience alexithymia. It can show up in ways that are confusing both for the person experiencing it and for those around them.
Common Signs of Alexithymia
- Knowing you feel "something" but struggling to name exactly what
- Feeling overwhelmed without knowing why
- Needing more time to understand emotional reactions
- Guessing based on logic instead of inner emotional cues
- Appearing calm externally despite internal distress
- Difficulty explaining emotions during conflict or high stress
Why Alexithymia Matters for Autistic Adults
When you can't clearly identify what you're feeling, emotional regulation becomes harder. This can contribute to:
- Shutdowns or meltdowns
- Conflict in relationships
- Feeling misunderstood or dismissed
- Internalizing stress until it becomes physical
- Anxiety, depression, or burnout
Many of the challenges autistic adults experience—especially in work, communication, and intimacy—are greatly influenced by alexithymia. And yet, when people finally learn what it is, the response is often relief:
"This finally explains why emotions feel so complicated."
How Coaching Helps
At ASD Life Coaches, our approach is practical, compassionate, and individualized. We support autistic adults in building the skills and self-awareness needed to navigate emotions with greater ease.
Emotional Vocabulary Building
We help clients expand emotional language gradually—from simple categories ("angry, sad, anxious") to more nuanced terms ("overstimulated, tense, disappointed, drained"). When the words exist, your brain begins to make stronger connections.
Body Awareness Training
Emotions often register physically before they register cognitively. Learning to notice body cues—tight shoulders, racing heart, fatigue—creates a bridge to emotional insight.
Externalizing Emotions
Visual tools like charts, color coding, number scales, and journaling give emotions a visible form. This makes them less abstract and easier to work with.
Slowing the Process Down
Autistic adults often feel pressure to identify emotions instantly in conversations. In coaching, we normalize taking more time and using self-reflection as a key tool.
Reducing Shame and Self-Criticism
Alexithymia is not a deficit—it's a different wiring. Recognizing that reduces frustration and opens the door to meaningful growth.
Alexithymia in Relationships
Relationships—whether romantic, family, or friendships—are where alexithymia becomes especially noticeable. A partner may say:
"You never tell me how you feel."
Or: "You seem so distant."
But that's not the full picture. Most autistic adults with alexithymia feel deeply—they just don't have direct access to those feelings in the moment. Coaching can help translate internal experience into words and actions so partners feel connected and understood.
The Takeaway
Alexithymia doesn't mean you lack emotions. It doesn't mean you don't care. And it doesn't mean you're incapable of emotional connection.
It simply means your emotional processing system works differently.
With the right support, autistic adults can learn to:
- Understand their emotions
- Communicate them clearly
- Strengthen relationships
- Feel more confident navigating daily life
At ASD Life Coaches, we meet you exactly where you are—without assumptions, without judgment, and without pressure. If alexithymia resonates with you, know that you're not alone and that meaningful progress is absolutely possible.
About the Author
Jaclyn Hunt, ACAS
Jaclyn Hunt is the Founder and Owner of ASD Life Coaches, where she specializes in supporting autistic adults with relationships, communication, emotional awareness, and life transitions. As a cognitive life coach with extensive experience working directly with autistic adults and their families, Jaclyn brings a neurodiversity-affirming, strengths-based approach to her work. She is the author of Life Coaching for Adults on the Autism Spectrum: Discovering Your True Potential and is passionate about helping autistic adults build fulfilling, self-directed lives.